Disclaimer: This story contains details of domestic abuse and domestic violence and may be triggering to some.
“If you’re in an abusive relationship why don’t you just leave?”
This is one of those questions that Sophia Smith always grew up wondering. As a little girl, she witnessed her stepfather abuse her mother as well as herself but they remained with him despite the abuse and in some weeks, going without basic needs.
As Sophia tells Love What Matters, she always dreamed she would one day be whisked away by her own Prince Charming.
I was 23 when he came into my life. He was tall, dark, and handsome. Within weeks, he swept me off my feet. He was everything I had ever wanted. Charming, sweet, successful, and he was head over heels in love with me. I was in awe of him. He showered me with fancy dinners, gifts, and flowers. He wanted to take care of me. He was going to save me. If only I knew then what I know now.”
‘Now you’re mine and I own you.’
Looking back, Sophia admits she missed every red flag simply because she didn’t realise they were red flags. Their relationship moved far too quickly and they were married within six months of meeting.
The first night we were married, things changed dramatically. He changed. He became possessive and controlling. On our wedding night, he was sexually aggressive. He wanted me to know I belonged to him. Afterwards he said to me, ‘Now you’re mine and I own you.’
Sophia and her new husband started their family soon after they were married and she settled into her role of a wife and mother. Sophia’s pregnancy came with serious complications and another red flag as her husband remained unsupportive and annoyed that she needed extra help.
My son and I almost did not survive my delivery. I noticed [he] was different from the other babies before we even left the hospital. The nurses would complain to me they could not settle my son down and he was disturbing the other babies.”
‘Placed a loaded handgun in his mouth and said he would kill himself’
Sophia continued to ride the waves of motherhood while dealing with postpartum depression. Her husband worked constantly and her firstborn son’s behaviour became a concern. She received the official diagnosis that he was bipolar when her son was six years old.
Her second son would also be diagnosed with bipolar down the road and Sophia was sure her husband had the same thing.
Six years after they were married, Sophia’s husband had an affair with her best friend.
That was the first time I tried to leave. It was also the first time I saw how unstable and violent he could be. I wanted to leave, but during one of our many heated fights, he placed a loaded handgun in his mouth and said he would kill himself if I left.
Our children were in the room. I stayed out of fear. I stayed because I loved him. I stayed because I had nowhere to go.”
‘I could see no safe way out’
So Sophia stayed. And life went on. The family moved to a new house, her husband’s business was successful and they enjoyed family holidays with their boys.
But the good patches never came without bad moments and Sophia was sure her husband’s moods could be connected to bipolar.
“He had extreme mood swings. He became preoccupied with bodybuilding and taking steriods. He started going out at night with his friends, drinking and seeing other girls.
He was prone to violent outbursts and was controlling everything in my life at this point. He had moved his business into our home and controlled where I went and who I talked to. We were together 24/7. I tried to convince him to get treatment for his bipolar. I begged and pleaded.
I knew there was no saving our marriage. I was trapped. I could see no safe way out. He had warned me if I tried to leave, he would kill me, telling me the only way out of our marriage was in a body bag.”
For years and years Sophia walked on eggshells to try and keep the peace and ensure a staple home for her boys.
“My focus was always on our kids. I tried desperately to keep things calm in our home for our children’s well-being.”
One day, however, her husband just snapped. Sophia can’t recall a certain trigger, just that something changed in his eyes.
They changed; became black, empty, devoid of all emotion. He had more rage in his eyes than I have ever seen in anyone. I could see this intense hatred directed right at me. He was going to kill me. I had always known this day could come.”
Sophia was thrown to the ground, something she had experienced in her childhood as well. As she tried to call for help, he ripped the phone out of the wall. She managed to make the phone call to 911 as he went inside to get his gun.
I knew he was going to use it. It is difficult to share the pure terror I felt. He was seconds away from reaching me when the police showed up.”
The police showed up just in time to stop him. He was arrested and went to jail.
Enough was enough.
Once he was in jail, Sophia thought it would get easier. But Sophia had never had control of the expenses and didn’t know how to access their money. The boys were confused, wondering where their dad went. And to top it off, her ex-husband continued the abuse and threats while behind bars.
Sophia filed for a restraining order and a divorce. For years and years, she knew she had to leave. It took 17 years for her to finally do so.
“He was not going to let me go without a fight. That was when the post-separation abuse started.”
Once her ex-husband was out of jail, he started fighting for custody of the children, while repeatedly violating the restraining order. He stalked her, had people spy on her and stopped paying the mortgage or any child support.
“I considered going back, just to make him stop abusing me.”
But she didn’t. She decided instead to fight. Sophia credits her lawyer for helping her through the various court battles. She helped her get a lifetime restraining order and full custody of her kids.
“I decided I wanted people to know what happens when a woman tries to leave. I wanted to draw attention to the very real barriers women face trying to get out.
Even though I was standing up to him, I was still very afraid of him. I knew he could kill me and, during this time, my life was still in danger. The court placed a GPS monitoring device on him, preventing him from entering the town we were living in. I never gave up fighting to be free from my abusive marriage. I was determined to keep my children safe and to find love again. And that’s exactly what I did.”
The abuse continued, only finally stopping in 2021 when her ex-husband passed away. By this time, Sophia was remarried and had received the devastating diagnosis of Stage 4 metastatic breast cancer.
“It is treatable, but will be fatal. Sometimes, I wonder why all of this has happened. If I could have done something else. What I stay focused on is how we made it out alive. I kept my boys safe, and they are both doing very well.
On average, it takes someone seven attempts to leave an abusive relationship. The most dangerous time for someone living with domestic and family violence is when they leave. Someone escaping should be safe but, as Sophia and countless other women have discovered, it’s usually not the case.
“Leaving an abusive relationship is one of the hardest things a person can do. The healing comes, but it comes slowly. Healing is messy and hard. I am built for survival, and I still have a lot of fight in me. My love for my boys has carried me through it all. I get my strength from them, and for them. I am a survivor.”
What to read next
If you feel like you are in an abusive relationship, or if you know someone who is and wants to help, there are resources out there. It can be really hard taking that first step or even knowing what the first step is. Please have a read of our previous article on domestic abuse as well as the support lines and services listed below:
Additional Resources/Websites to Assist
